(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: A South Africa without apartheid
will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: Which I believe is the real reason Herbie went bananas.
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
I like her face. She has a very round, cherubic face,
rather like a Victorian doll
that's somehow been reanimated.
But no, say what you like about Billie Piper
but she is the most popular prostitute on ITV.
MAN: North Norfolk Digital, North Norfolk's best music mix.
You're listening to AP on treble M,
i.e. Alan Partridge on Mid Morning Matters.
This morning in...
# Simply the best of Norfolk #
We're asking you to tell us who is simply the best person
Norfolk has ever produced.
And for those of you who are interested...
ALAN: Simply the best of Norfolk is an original concept
devised and executed by Alan Partridge and North Norfolk Digital.
It has no affiliation with, similarity to, or obligation towards
BBC One's 2002 programme 100 Greatest Britons. Thank you.
Thank you, Alan.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)
We're asking you to tell us who is simply the best person
Norfolk's ever produced.
I think you would imagine that Horatio Nelson
and Oliver Cromwell are going to be somewhere on that list.
A better example would be Jeremiah Colman,
founder of the Colman's mustard empire.
Not only was he responsible for the world's hottest yellow paste,
but he also helped create the phrase, "Ooh, that's mustard."
Which means, "Ooh, that's very good."
It's still favoured, although it's an olden-day phrase,
still favoured by men over 70 who wear blazers.
Whereas young people today may well say things like,
"Radical! Awesome! Mega!"
If a young person were to see Wayne Rooney driving along with his wife
or, you know, a sexy hooker,
in a bling-bling car, they may well say, "Ooh, look, Rayne Wooney. Top one!"
Whereas in Edwardian times, a young cockney,
if he were to see the Duke of Norfolk
driving along in a horseless carriage or a French Panhard
with his wife, the Duchess of Norfolk,
who was perhaps wearing a dress revealing a little bit too much ankle,
may well have shouted out,
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) "Ooh, did you see her ankle?
"I did, I seen all of it. Mustard!"
Like that.
(NEW WAVE MUSIC PLAYING)
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital,
music and chat for the Norfolk gener... For the North Norfolk generation.
It's... Time is 12 zero zero, midday.
This is Chatdown, street style, for the over-40s.
(INTRODUCTION MUSIC PLAYING)
Um, you'll recall
that at the top of the show someone phoned in
to say that you can avoid type-2 diabetes
by injecting yourself with Ribena.
That can't be right, but no one as yet has called in to debunk that.
If you want to, please do do so.
Now, as we reach the halfway mark of...
Uh, just time for one more call, Line Five.
WOMAN: Oh, hello.
- Where are you calling from? - Oh, uh, Holt.
Excellent. Are you over 40?
Um, well, just.
I'll take that as a yes.
It's rude to ask, but now and again we like to check the demographic and...
Are you over 40? Can you just tell me, seriously, if you are?
- Well, um, I... - Are you over 40?
- Yes, I'm just... - Thank you.
Just over 40.
Good. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, I'm well over 40.
And I've still got all me, um... faculties.
If that's not too strong a word.
(WOMAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Come on.
- Um... - Anyway. Were you calling from Holt?
- Yes, I'm calling from Holt. - Lovely part of the world.
I spent many a happy hour there in my, um, in my youth.
Yeah, marvellous, marvellous part of the world.
I mean, I didn't live there but I would occasionally go there,
um, because I knew a girl.
But then I stopped seeing her so I stopped going there.
But, um, what was the point you wanted to make?
Well, I just wanted to say that, um, I don't think
people should be voting for Oliver Cromwell.
- Why? - Because he slaughtered
thousands of Irish peasants.
Well, we've all got our black spots
on our, on our curriculum vitae, we'd rather not...
Um, well, I don't think I have got any black spots.
Come on, Jill. You're from Holt! You're from Holt, Jill!
- I'm called Judith. - Yeah, take a chill pill, Jill.
- I'm called Judith. - What?
- Judith, my name's Judith. - All right, sorry, Jud...
Um, Judith. Well, you are the rudeth Judith.
Did you ever think to... Sorry. What?
What, just tell me your favourite Norfolk person.
- Social reformer Elizabeth Fry. - Thank you.
She's gone now.
(IN A BIG COUNTRY BY BIG COUNTRY PLAYING)
This tea tastes of chicken.
ALAN: Kevin! This tea tastes of chicken.
This tea tastes of chicken.
KEVIN: Sorry?
It tastes of chicken.
It's just a normal teabag.
Well...
Hang on. No, I've just eaten some chicken.
- Here's the bones. - I'll take that for you.
We've had a text from Pete in Blackheath.
He suggests that Norfolk's best person ever is Egyptologist Howard Carter.
Without Carter's discovery of Tutankhamun's tomb,
archaeology, which is now what it's known as,
would simply be known as "digging",
or "digging for things".
And, of course, without Howard Carter, there wouldn't be programmes such as
the Time Team, which is a horrific thought.
These days they can use computers to reanimate a dead Saxon
and tell you exactly what he had for pudding
before he was murdered with a blunt instrument
in the year... 5.
Um, I met Tony Robinson at 10 Years of Time Team.
Lovely fellow. I joked with him, I said, "Tony,
"if you live by the bogaxe, you die by the bogaxe."
He chuckled a little to himself
before he said, "I best go and mingle."
Then he just wandered off. Lovely fellow.
Although I don't like his politics.
The time, team, is 2, 2 to 2.
That, that... I'm not...
I'm serious, I'm not joking, it's actually 2, 2, 2.
It is 2, 2, 2, too.
Right. That's enough Ts,
I going to do the rest of the programme without any Ts. Um...
No, it's too complicated.
But we'll revisit that next week, good idea.
See how we get along with it. See how far we get with that.
I've got to interview Sharleen Spiteri
so I could just call her Sharleen from Texas. No, there's another T.
Sharleen from Exas. That'll be...
Might not do that.
Now, before I tie a belt round your upper arm,
slap your vein and inject you with a pure dose of Genesis,
I have to say I am being harangued into throwing my own hat into the ring
for Norfolk's greatest person.
So, in I go.
This is unbelievable.
How Delia Smith can be within one vote
of Horatio Nelson, it really is beyond me.
If you want to vote for a food-related hero, may I suggest
turkey baron Bernard Matthews?
Bernard slays, I know this, 'cause he's a friend of mine,
close to seven million turkeys a year.
Which is... He's been doing it for about the best part of 30 years.
He has... slaughtered close to
a quarter of a billion birds for your eating pleasure.
Not personally, of course, the process is highly mechanised.
No, Bernard's not actually wrung the neck of a turkey for a couple of years.
And even then it was for a charity event.
It's great to be around him. Depending on your point of view,
he is either responsible for the biggest ornithological genocide of recent times
or he is the greatest farmyard-to-table strategist of the last 100 years.
Um...
And... And I know this for a fact because he is my confidant,
he's tantalisingly close to producing the 10-pence turkey.
What a thought.
He actually showed me around his factory recently.
Very... Very liberal of him, he said, "You can go anywhere you like, Alan,
"apart from one room."
He just stood in front of my path and said, "Don't go in there."
I said, "I thought you said I could go anywhere."
He just said, "Just drop it."
And all the love went from his eyes. Chilling.
Anyway, I'd like to suggest Bernard Matthews
as Norfolk's greatest person.
Along with me own hat, which is still in the ring,
along with all the other candidates' hats.
ALAN: Middle of the day? You bet.
Middle-aged? Maybe.
Middle of the road? No way.
Let's wrap this up, I think it's run its course.
We'll look at the results for Norfolk's greatest person.
My hat's in the ring.
Actually, I'm going to take my hat out.
There it is, it's a tie, a dead tie,
between Oliver Cromwell and Horatio Nelson.
Exactly as I predicted. Why do I bother?
That's rhetorical by the way, please don't text in.
I know why I bother.
But I'm not prepared to go into that now because right now it's time for
Surname Mastermind.
Hello, Chris on Line One, are you there?
I'm there. Yes, I'm here.
Chris, are you ready to play Surname Mastermind?
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, here we go.
Cheryl, Ashley...
Cole.
Correct. Simon, Yasmin...
- Le Bon. - Correct.
Michael, Shakira...
- Caine? - Correct.
Rod, Alana...
- Hull. - No, Stewart.
ALAN: Dave and Samantha...
- Cameron. - That's right.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
You're listening to North Norfolk Digital,
with Alan Partridge and my sidekick, Sidekick Simon.
And, Alan, one of my spies tells me
that you were dining in a certain gastropub last night.
I did have dinner at the Boxley Wheatsheaf, I can't deny it.
Yes, and a little bird tells me that you were not dining alone.
- Hmm. - A friend of yours?
None of your business, mate.
Right. Now, extinction. We're talking animals.
Well, we're not talking animals.
All right, we're not talking animals, no.
Although the woman who does the weather is,
if the graffiti in the men's toilets is to be believed.
- Steady, Alan. - It's all right, it's all right,
I'm not mentioning her by name. There are two of them.
And, anyway, I'm sure it's not true.
Because what I read was pretty awful, actually.
Um, yeah, no one should have to read that.
And I'm sure she won't, it's in the men's.
Exactly, exactly. And if she does go in the men's, then maybe it's true.
Just to be clear, we're taking calls on the question
"If you could make one species of animal extinct,
"which would it be and how would you do it?"
Um, thanks. We've got a... Steve from Swaffham emails to say,
"I would make all flightless birds extinct
"by putting the world's birdseed on a shelf
"that's slightly too high for them to reach,
"thereby starving them to death." Uh, thanks, Steve.
- Um, we also have a fax here. - Fax.
Thank you. A fax from Callum,
aged nine, who's depicted his method of execution.
And to describe it, it's kind of a...
The Battersea Power Station lying on its side
with the chimneys acting as flame throwers,
wiping out the world's population of chimpanzees.
And one of them's got a little bubble there saying,
"Oh, God, please, no. Don't burn us." There it is.
Very good that is, too.
And, finally, we have a text from Ted
in Fakenham, which simply says,
"Cats. Hammers." Good.
And a spokesman for the Norfolk Health Authority said
building on the ward would be completed by early 2012.
And, finally, a correction.
While Alan was right to say that a typhoon is approaching Norfolk,
it's actually heading to the American town of Norfolk, Virginia.
The weather in East Anglia should be fine and dry,
so, slightly misleading there.
That's all for me. I'll be back in 30.
- He means minutes. - What's that?
You said 30. You failed to specify the unit. You may have meant years.
Bit misleading.
- I'll be back in 30 years? - Ideally, yes.
I tell you what, Alan, if I'm still...
Uh, you're listening to North Norfolk Digital.
Norfolk's... North Norfolk's best music mix.
I'm joined by my comedic chum,
- Sidekick Simon. Good morning. - Morning.
What have you got for us today?
I've got a number of ribald rib-ticklers
for your delight and delectation.
He's going to be doing some jokes.
It's Monday morning.
- MOANING MAN: No! - (BELL TOLLING)
(SOBBING) Nooo!
Noooo!
I know the feeling, I do. But cheer up, me old mate.
Because today on Love Luncheon,
we're going to be throwing a little bit of light
on the topic of English wine.
What could be better than curling up on your favourite sofa,
kicking off your shoes and socks
and sharing an expensive bottle of wine with the woman in your life?
Or the man in your life, if you're a woman.
Or the man in your life, if you're gay.
(STAMMERING) Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely yes.
I will be the first to hold my hands up and say,
in the past,
circa 1983, I developed a fairly robust dislike for the gay community.
But that was before I met Dale Winton.
And I realised I had absolutely nothing to worry about.
Um, the man was a perfect gentleman.
I actually spent three days at the Earls Court Boat Show with Dale Winton
and, uh, Paul O'Grady and Noel Edmonds.
Uh, he's not gay, but you get the picture.
I say, Noel Edmonds always reminds me of a garden gnome...
Now, if you told me,
25 years ago,
that I was going to be talking about rigid inflatable hulls with Dale Winton,
I would probably have spat at you. You got any jokes about gays?
- I have got a joke about gays. - Let's have a look.
Do you want me to read it?
No, no, no, God, absolutely not. You can't read it.
I mean, it's very funny, but it's quite hateful.
Sidekick Simon.
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon #
Delighted to say that we have here from the British Wine Marketing Board,
Rosie Whitter.
- Lovely to have you here, Rosie. - It's lovely to be here, thank you.
So, what are you going to start us off with?
Right, well, we're going to ease you in today, Alan, with a Merlot,
which, believe it or not, is actually produced in Surrey.
- Hmm. - Now, this is a very versatile wine.
Right. Now, when you say versatile wine,
what other uses can wine have apart from drinking?
Well, it means it can be drunk in many situations.
Ah, right. So, um...
- With some friends alongside spag bol? - Yeah.
- On your own in front of Newsnight? - Uh, if you like, yeah.
At the launch of
- Stirling Moss's autobiography? - Certainly.
- It's that versatile? - Mmm-hmm.
Really? That versa... That sounds like a very good wine. I like that wine.
- What else have you got? - Do you want to taste it?
- Uh, yeah, sure, why not? - So, the way to drink wine...
I think I know how to drink wine, Rosie.
I'd drink you under the table.
Well, I'm sure you could. (LAUGHS)
Sorry, continue. It's okay. I don't drink to excess. Carry on.
Right, so... Well, first of all, you swirl the wine gently
and this just allows it to breathe.
- Oxygenates the wine. Yes. - Yes, that's right.
- I've known that for a while. - Oh, well, I'm very impressed.
And then you smell it.
- So... - Mmm-hmm. For the bouquet?
Absolutely.
Yeah, I'm semi-conversant. (MUMBLES)
- I'll give it a sniff. - Mmm-hmm.
- (SNIFFING LOUDLY) - Ooh, that's deep.
You all right?
Have a smell.
Right. Um, have you not got another glass? You had your nose in this.
I'm only kidding. You've got a lovely nose.
- Stick it right in. - Right.
Yeah, I'm... Mmm.
(SNIFFING DEEPLY)
Oh, I slightly hyperventilated there.
Used to lead to panic attacks.
Jesus, not now.
Whoo!
- What were you getting? - A panic attack.
Oh, no. The bouquet?
Ah... (GIBBERING)
I'm not... It's been a while since I've used, you know,
- wine words. - Oh, well, people use all sorts of words
to describe wine. I mean, you know, vanilla, melon, straw.
Surely only livestock know what straw tastes like.
- It's just a hint. - Yeah, it's just a hint.
- And with red wines... - Yeah, wines have hints. You know.
How did it go, Alan? What did you get from that?
Um, um...
- Pepper? - Yes!
- Really? Really? - Yes, it is peppery.
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
No, that... Yes, that is a very... Mmm. That is a very peppery wine.
Lots of... With lots of pepper, yeah. I didn't even have to think about it.
As soon as I brought it to my nose, bang! Pepper.
Yeah. So... Yeah, amazing.
- Well, you've got a good nose, Alan. - Mmm.
Like you. What's next?
Mmm.
That's a very... Mmm. Oh. Oh, now, that's very familiar.
Yes, now, that's... Oh, what is it? Um, oh.
- Oh, um... - Currants.
No, no, no, no, no. It's...
- Very specific. - Mmm.
Well, it's musky, so
- it's... - No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's...
- Berries? Sorry. Um... - No, Rosie, that's wrong.
Cherries...
Cinnamon?
No!
This wine tastes of Chewits.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, well...
- Never heard it compared to Chewits. - Have we got any Chewits?
Now, this Chardonnay from Devon is exceptionally well-balanced.
Rosie, it's great. They're all great. Fantastic.
- Nicely fruity, with a long finish. - Yeah.
It's... It's... What does that mean?
- A long finish? - Well, it means...
It means the taste lingers on the palate.
It does. It does. It lingers on the palate. Absolutely.
Like a lazy fork-lift truck driver.
He would linger on the pallet.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh!
Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Keep talking. - Well, so it lingers on the palate
and, um, the taste therefore will...
- Sorry. - You all right?
- Yeah, fine. It's just this thing here. - Oh.
- There we go. - (LAUGHS) Just...
No problem. Just... Go on, so what were you saying?
So is that taste lingering for you?
(SIGHS) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can still taste it. Definitely, yeah, it's still there.
- Well, you will, you will for some time. - Yeah, it's got a...
It's still there. I mean, we can't wait till the flavour goes
before we carry on the conversation
because, um, because it's a long finish, it will be there for some time.
Um...
No, it's gone.
- Cheers. - So, um... Cheers.
Anyway, which of the wines did you like best, Alan? I'm curious to know.
Which is the most... What are the prices individually?
Bottle to bottle. Bottle to bottle.
Right. Well, this one here, this is £6.
This is £8.95
and this one, this one's quite pricey, it comes in at £12.
That one is the one I think had the best flavour.
- Can I have it? - Oh, yes, of course. Absolutely.
I'll pay you... I'll pay you for it.
- Oh, no, no, please. - No, seriously.
No, no, no. You're not leaving this studio...
So there's a fiver.
You're not leaving this studio till you've got the full cost of that wine.
There. That's more than the right... That's more than the right amount.
That's... You can keep the rest, I don't mind.
(CLEARING THROAT)
This is the Commodores with Three Times A Lady.
That was very good. Thank you. That was just good radio.
- (CHUCKLES) Good. - Simple as that.